When life gets too difficult to bear, I rely on Truth. I know. I can’t crumple it like grungy money in my pocket that would keep groceries in my refrigerator. And it doesn’t smell like the lavender on my pillow during the few more hours of sleep a different job that didn’t require 12 a day would afford me. It certainly isn’t as immediately available as the oxygen that would come from living free from the person who promised to spend his life in pursuit of my ruin. It isn’t warm and pliable like sand around my toes at the Outer Banks; a feeling I have to forget during this chapter of my life while I put my kids through college. And it doesn’t replace the sensation and strength on my left side that used to allow me to climb a simple set of stairs without help which, for the first time in public today, I was unable to do.
Nonetheless, Truth is my ‘go-to’ and is unalterable by anybody or anything ~ lies, desire, effort, manipulation, time. The Truth is simply the Truth. Whether or not one person knows it or everyone does, it’s still the Truth.
Step 1 - Telling it. Telling the Truth makes room for something good particularly when what I have to tell about myself is not flattering, not my finest, probably the last thing I want anyone to know. But, I tell it anyway to those who need to know and in the right timing. In doing so I heal myself and model for others that imperfection is not only fine but expected. I tried for years to wrap my hands around perfection and learned that is about as useful in the end as grasping handfuls of mercury. First, it’s impossible. Second, even after the inevitable failing, the attempt is poisonous.
Step 2 - Trusting it. What is harder for me is simply knowing the Truth and resting easy with it despite the lies of others professing their own authenticity. Some of the people closest to me have spun lies in an effort to cover their own meanness, imperfection or mistakes. Had they just asked, I would have referred them to Step 1 and in many cases we would probably still be friends. What is most challenging for me is when others still accept these lies as the Truth and embrace them to the point of judging and harming me as well. But, even in these cases, the Truth is still the Truth. It cannot be altered no matter how many lies wish to live in its stead. So I invite it into my stillness and we sit and wait for the storm to pass knowing that it eventually will.
I believe in Karma or the Karma-equivalent. Being a peaceful person I truly hope that all people learn to embrace the Truth and find as much consolation in it as I do. It isn’t always easy to speak or to find. But, when I do, it gives me a soul-settling calm that gets me through the day.
So with that, I will count myself lucky for this sunny Saturday that I am choosing not to work. I have a little money in my pocket and the Amtrak Conductor was kind enough to help me onto the train when my body failed; the very same train that is now chugging away from some of those who wish to harm me. I have a pillow and some good music for a little snooze. And while we aren’t headed as far south as the beach I am wearing sandals and Lillis is waiting for me on the other end.
All things considered, Truth and I are having a pretty good day.