Fear of Commitment

I’m in a relationship with someone who lives far from here and have been for three years. He leads a different life than mine – bachelor most of his life, living in a big city, freelance artist, large community of support, unconstrained lifestyle and the like. I visit him often. When I meet people in his community they automatically assume that I am also an artist. Which I am. But this is not my profession. When they eventually ask me “what do you do?” I find that I cannot answer the question.

I do a great many things. How can I limit myself to only one?

  • I raise four children, all of whom have special needs; one who is critically ill
  • I do this alone as a single mother and pay child support to their father.
  • I am a photographer who captures life as it happens…when I can and the spirit strikes me.
  • I write impactful words about my life and experience and share them when I am brave enough to do so.
  • I diligently execute against a bucket list that stretches me every day.
  • I am an abuse survivor who is applying for grants to help other women like myself to break away.
  • I work for a large corporation (and have for over 17 years) to provide for my family.
  • I also apply for and take odd jobs that I don’t like when this income falls short.
  • I tirelessly fight for my children – school, doctors, insurance and anyone who stands in their way.
  • I am working on a film documentary that will change lives.
  • I am a lover against all odds; and a selfless life partner.
  • I am a compassionate friend for my friends who are in need.
  • I battle multiple sclerosis with creativity and patience.
  • And, and, and…

So, when I am asked “what do you do?” I simply cannot choose. I have a fear of commitment. I do not want to relinquish any part of myself.

Through everything I do, however, I know I am changing the world one attitude at a time. Grace, humor and gratitude make this possible. From now on, this is how I will answer the question.

hopeChristine L